Happy Halloween

I wrote an angsty world cloud in June, raining down the pent-up fears, hazy anxiety, and subsurface sadness that came with leaving behind a decade of my life in Nashville.

I had lost the world that I built with D.  I left behind the love of his family who enveloped me as their own daughter. I cut off his love, his support, and his gentle encouragement. I stood pridefully alone in June, done with the wacky, warm community of Nashville martial arts, that loved us and accepted us as ourselves and as a couple. After a final drive up from Nashville, and a difficult week of goodbye with D, I gave up the friends, relationships and places that we built together.

I had willfully and proudly thrown away my student years - and with it, my student friends, who, too, were whisked away in the excitement and fears of their new lives, in new cities, with new jobs. Through that last year in Nashville, we joked away our anxiety through cups after cups of celebratory alcohol. We're so over spending our youth on degrees, we laughed. We're so finished with being the oldest kids on the block, we hooted. We're so done with being the lowest human sign post in the Hospital. Yet, by the end of it all, we knew we were all trying to hold on to our late twenties and early thirties. A decade lost in Nashville, spent with each other and dedicated meticulously to building communities within and without the Hospital that we were pledge to. We were all scared.

I didn't know it, but, my mental well-being, in that last year, was barely hanging on by a thread, thinned by the inevitability of change.

Somewhere along earning the bachelors' in nerd studies, the doctorate of philosophy in who the fuck cares, and the medical degree, I had forgotten what a passion outside of books, test tubes, and sick people, meant. Somewhere deep inside, I felt the emptiness of that loss, stirring ever so muted, through the dull humdrum of my studies in Nashville. In June, when I sat alone in a bedroom that was passed on to me from the last doc in training (now, too, off to a new life elsewhere), the muted hum of lost passion roared, along with all the self pity that accompanied me through my goodbye with Nashville.

It is now Halloween. And I am better. Fortuitously, I interviewed in Cooperstown exactly one year ago. I remember thinking, as I walked through the crisp fallen leaves, that it wouldn't be so bad if I ended up here. The blaze of autumn colors in the hills that surrounded this sleepy town, gave me the first stirrings of passion, that a year ago, I didn't even realized I missed. A year here, I thought, as I ambled past the rustic old cemeteries covered in red and yellow, would give me the solidarity to find myself.

Honestly, that was all romantic bullshit that I wooed myself with during my year of interviews in every corner of the United States.  I didn't even think twice about coming here. In February, as I was making my rank-list of hospitals I wanted to spend a year in before I start my real life of being a radiologist, Cooperstown barely made middle of my list; and only after I got an an encouraging email from the hospital that reminded me that my interview here went well. When the news came that I was coming here, the fear and disappointment of leaving Nashville overwhelmed me several times to surprising tears.

But here I am. Happy. Learning, in the last year of my twenties, that I am still a complex human who continues to be molded and will never be fully mature. I am discovering that I have many passions. Surprised, as always, that motion and physicality makes me happy. Ecstatic that sunlight hitting the trees, the rocks, the peaks and the oceans still gives me the giddiness of a 5 year old. Relieved that despite my youth stained with social anxiety, I have grown comfortable with myself in my twenties, and can pursue and accept new relationships that I now avidly build.

I am exactly where I need to be.

An ode to room cleaning

*preface: this was my last speech for the Competent Communicators manual at Toastmasters. "inspire your audience" was the topic. In the absence of anything inspiring to say, I decided to talk about something I really need to do.* Yay done with CC moving on to bigger and better things! PS I will actually update one day about my life - an actual update I promise*

An ode to room cleaning

Imagine, you are in an open bed room. In front of you, a large mattress lined with freshly cleaned linen and a light blanket neatly laided on top. Behind, the pleasant smells of clean laundry waft towards you. Now relax as a refreshing summer breeze billow through the open windows as the morning sun light dance around the transparent glass panels.

This is what your room could be like.

Ofcourse, dear young professionals in the audiences, you, like me, most likely do not have such a well preserved bedroom. We are now at an age when we are not only turning into our mothers and fathers but have the introspection to see that yes, sometimes, our mothers were right. That despite the fact that we’re no longer five and have to be forced to put away our things, putting away our things may in fact be a valiant and worthy goal. We can now see that we’re not doing things that even a five year old should be doing. But, fear not, fellow neat-o-philes to be, by the end of this speech, you will feel, past all doubts, that in fact, what you want is to clean your room today, right now, immediately when you get home.

Have you ever lost that favorite book underneath a pile of who-knows how old laundry? Yes you have. Some of you may have experienced the utter joy and jubilation of finding this book or favorite item. Others of us, may have never ventured that far into the jungle. Now retrieve this feeling, or imagine it, and think of how many more times greater it would be if you have found a 20 dollars bill, or 50 dollars bill. This could happen to you. In fact your favorite number of bills may be hiding under the layers of stuff you should identify. So pick up your randomly scattered objects and put them away. The best part is the more you pick up, the higher chance of you re-finding your own money!

If reclaiming lost treasures is not excitement enough for you to clean your room, what about avoiding pain? I woke up this morning and almost stepped on my laptop. This would have caused substantial foot pain, electric shock, a loss of a large amount of money and my life’s worth of graduate school data. Fortunately, it was on top of my pile of clean laundry thus sunk in to avoid sure destruction; however, had this laptop been hidden under my clothes, or a pile of other unidentifiables, and I had stepped the pile, my day would have been a lot less pleasant. Do not let this unfortunate situation happen to you. Just put that damned laundry away. And stop piling things on top of each other. I promise, even if you didn’t cleverly hide your laptop underneath there, you’re bound to stomp on something less than pleasant or break something you would hate to lose.

Remember the time when you did that thing that they all laughed at you for? They might be doing the same for the absolute disgust that is your room today. Think of the glory when you let open your room to the world and instead of dust and scattered foodstuffs, there are scents of clean laundry, sunshine that has not hit the room in months, and organization! Imagine finding your old socks instead of buying new socks! Imagine your room not being a fire hazard! If you cleaned your room, all these dreams can come true.

That phone call to home can wait, that report for work will have to be put off, the grocery shopping is far less important, and those kids can put themselves to bed. Absolve all other things important, you’ve got a new, far more pressing, excuse and aspiration in life. Go forth and clean your neglected room. Onwards to hidden treasures, clean clothes and glorious orderliness!

Imagine how proud your mother would be.

My recent Toastmasters speech

So I've been bummed about the whole NPR fiasco for a few weeks now - every time I think about it, I get a wave of disappointment - mostly directed at a specific group of people - but we can talk about my ideological standings in a rant you're inevitably going to endure if you know me for long enough. Anyway, I'm in Toastmasters - which is a group that practices public speaking and general speech giving - and as part of its curriculum, there's a speech I must give with the theme "Persuade with Power". I'm not sure how powerful my persuasion is, but this speech sure gave me an outlet to let out my frustrations a little. I gave it yesterday - so for those who were there to hear it, thanks for the feedback. Here it is again in written form.

If you get too tired to finish reading it, here is the punch line - public broadcasting in the form of NPR and PBS is the not enemy - it makes mistakes- and recent media has made that all too obvious; but it is one of the only media left that is humble enough for self-examination, and quickly adjusts when it feels unbalanced by bias. We have a voice and deciding power in public media. We have no power over corporate sponsored networks. Support public media- 170millionamericans.org.
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Let’s step out of the political prison. What can we expect from our democratic society? We deserve health with a reasonable degree of choice. We are free to speech with the understanding that everyone who gives it deserves our respect. And as modern men and women, we have the right to be informed and educated not only as children, but as we grow and mature as adults. Let’s stay on this topic of freedom to access information and education.

The brouhaha focused on National Public Radio Corporation has turned my interests to learning more about the public broadcasting system. The more I understand the mission of public broadcasting, the more I appreciate its free services as a vital vehicle to entertain and educate children while informing and engaging those who have stepped away from conventional education. Without its services, low income and rural areas would be without access to news and culture. And without its sustained emphasis on improvement, we would be forced to fight in wars instigated by the partisan hotbeds of Talk Radio, CNN, FOX news and MSNBC. This month, congress passed a stop-gap measure that froze all funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting; And they now are in the process of limiting federal funding for National Public Radio. Now is the time to understand and support the important services of public broadcasting.

The public broadcasting system in America consists of local, non-commercial radio and television stations. These stations meet the requirements for and are partially supported by the government funded Corporation for Public Broadcasting. These requirements are stringent – for example – television stations must provide at least 7 hours of non-commercial children’s programs DAILY. Compare that to an average of 4 hours a week for commercial stations, and it’s easy to see why most of our childhood memories are populated by Public Broadcasting Service (or PBS’s) shows. Just to name a few, Barney, the famously amorous dinosaur, whose theme song will be forever stuck in my head as a reminder that team work will reward me with pink dinosaur hugs. Sesame Street, which I have to admit, creeped me out as a child; but never the less taught me things, like C is for cookie, and stay the heck away from that fuzzy blue thing when its hungry. And finally, my personal favorite– The Magic School Bus – with the amazing shrinking bus and group of young inquisitive passengers - that I blame my career choice as a medical scientist on. In addition to educational children’s shows on television, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting funds stations to build relationships with schools to establish educational websites as resources for teachers and students, reading and writing outreaches, and other programs to meet the needs of the community – fitting for a missions statement that commits to “provid(ing) programs and services that inform, enlighten, and enrich the public.” Generations have benefited from the services of Public broadcasting; children now and of future generations should have the same fond memories that we share.

For those of us who have outgrown children’s programming, CPB member stations subscribe to programs from PBS- News and Frontline, the British Broadcasting Corporation (the BBC) and National Public Radio (NPR), just to name a few. I’m the first to admit, without BBC and NPR news updates, I would not know today’s date. And no matter what political spectrum you might be on, you can’t help but love Nature and Nova programs that are able to show us the beauty outside of our cities, and the plethora of human cultures.

Speaking of political spectrums, I know, PBS and NPR have been blamed for siding with one side or the other. I’ve heard liberals complain about their conservatism, and conservatives rallying against their liberal media. Heck, CEOs and leaders of these stations have been accused of siding too strongly with one side or the other. NPR recently fired its CEO for being responsible for instances of liberal bias - on the wake of news of Juan Williams and the case against publicist Ron Schiller. Despite being under attack by the Right, in 2005 NPR was publically accused of be being funded heavily by conservative think-tanks. For PBS – former chairman Kenneth Tomlinson resigned in 2005 under criticism for “going after” perceived liberal programs and directing funding to conservative programming. But in 2007, Fox network published a film “Banned by PBS: Muslims against Jihad”, heavily charging PBS for liberal bias. For these accusations of bias, NPR and PBS have quickly reacted not by self defense but by self examination. PBS’s chairman stepped down, and NPR quickly condemned the actions of its leadership. Listening to NPR’s discussion roundtables after the Ron Schiller fiasco, I have never heard a company board so contrite and so ready to change on what they felt has been an ideological mistake. Radio and television stations depend on NPR and PBS to be informative, unbiased, and honest; in turn NPR and PBS constantly supervise against their own biases and react responsibility towards what they feel must be changed. These are noble traits that one cannot find in corporate sponsored news networks.

For those who haven’t enjoyed the local public boardcasting stations – I encourage you to visit our local (Nashville) radio stations – 90.3 Nashville Public Radio, and Channel 8 PBS. Give it a day and I promise you that you’ll find a program that you’ll love. We’ve been so inundated by network shows that exploit the dramatic and train our minds for low attention – wouldn’t it be a nice change to find a program that engages your interests while informing you on subjects you care about? For those who, like me, are convinced of the merits of public broadcasting, please support member stations in this fiscally difficult time in our nation. 170millionamericans.org is a great place to start – it can help direct you - whether you have the means to donate money to local stations, or are more comfortable contacting senators to show your support or want to sign up for public events supporting local and national stations. Citizens in a modern society have the right to freely access news, information and education no. Let us continue to fight for this right, and to ensure the same for the generations to come.

Guess who's back?- the Disasteress

After much thought and some free time- free time- I know who would have thought the day would come; I've decided to head blogging up again. Those of you who have tried to follow my life since I disappeared into the southern capital of country music and crystal meth (TN), should be happy to know that not much at all has happened to me. Here's the catchup: crazy old boss tries to kick me out of med school --> I win against her (should have jet from that lab but decide to stay)--> two years of med school forgotten after a month in grad school --> join kungfu school --> crazy old boss freaks out even more --> I freak out, move lab -->

I am happy to report that after a year and a half of the "new" lab, I've comfortably established myself as a disaster waiting to happen. In fact, I am in the run for the lofty prize given for catching just about everything on fire - or killing myself. My only competition for this prize is the amazing-feat-of-chaos tech who, at least in my opinion, has years of disaster experience before me and is way more advanced in almost burning the lab down. Although, I've just upped the anti and became the first person in lab who had to use the old-ass eye flush station. Fortunate this incident (which happened yesterday) did not end in my blindness due to methanol poisoning, infection from the antediluvian eye flush station, or that abrasive suction cup attached to a tube that they stuck in my eye in Occupational Health to flush my eye out even more.

I leave you with creepy contraptions I had to experience yesterday in order to save my left eye (as it turned out - splashing methanol in the eye does not really do all the terrible things that methanol is suppose to do to you , it really just feels like a fire in your eye and minor irritation after flushing):


Yup, this shit was in my eye. More to come on the mostly unexciting but slightly bat-shit-crazy things that happen in my life - also affectionately known as lab.

YAY, apprciated! Partly because I've never heard "diabeetus" until I moved to the south, partly because I am immature and think diabeetus sounds amazingly comical, especially with a cat.

been playing around with photoshop. Does this look painted enough?

Wow, its been a while

I went into med school wanting to heal people. Knowing that I loved stories, life, and happiness. I guess I didn't realize that the process of healing people means that they had to be broken in the first place. It's an easily missed piece of the puzzle; minimized by the glimmering glory of the theory of re-creating happiness and health.

I think somewhere between first year and second year, that denial of the very important details of unhappiness, pain, suffering and death, was fueled by the mind numbing classes and eccentric people that I were immersed in. I remember even earlier this year feeling happy that I was at the point where I can do simple diagnosis and make guesses on treatment. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I got a good month and a half of studying for the boards; during which I had a full, strong dose of re-learning about all the things that can destroy one's normal life. Pain, suffering, and death, even in their typed-on-page form can be pretty depressing when one eats, walks, and sleeps with the stuff for a month and a half.

I mean, for the past two years, I've seen some gruesome stuff. Death, dead people, sick people, pain. Now that I think back, I wonder why it never hit me that I will be immersed in suffering. I guess it's only natural for doctors to heal then. It's human nature. It's like fighting for breath when you're sinking - you don't think about it, you just fight for life. When you get to that stage of being competent and are surrounded by challenges of death- do you heal because you love people, or because it's just your intrinsic nature to fight?

So I guess, I'm just kind of afraid that I'll be jaded.